[Fiction] Friday: A Lovers’ Tryst

fiction friday

[Fiction] Friday Challenge for August 14th, 2009:

End your story with “Hello Jones!”

A breeze picked up from the south, shaking down the cherry blossom tree, showering him in soft pink confetti.Behind him cheers and whoops erupted as he brushed the fragrant petals from his shoulders and thighs. In a tiny green velvet box, a square cut diamond winked conspiratorially at him, as one of the facets caught the sunlight. Looking up, wispy clouds danced across the sky, taking it in turns to kiss the face of the sun before moving onwards. The ring on his finger was scratched, slightly bent out of shape from years of continual wear and it made his finger itch now, as it had been doing ever since he first met her. One last round of cheers messed with his nerves, as the sweaty young boys behind him gave away the touch football to return to their bottles of cold beer.

His heart beat faster as he flipped open the box to stare once more at the two thousand dollar gamble, reminding himself diamonds were a girl’s best friends and diamonds were forever. He hoped so as he tugged at the ring on his finger, trying to pull the band over the knuckle, cursing under his breathe that he hadn’t thought to do it before he left home.

As she approached the tree where he sat waiting, she noticed for the first time how vulnerable he looked with his long legs drawn up to his chest, his fingers playing with the slightly too long sideburns at his ear.He fought the urge to turn when he heard her approach but thrill turned to horror when he heard his wife say, “Hello Jones?”

This vignette was based on a writing exercise we completed in critiquing class on Friday.  I’ll be sharing more in my Write Anything column this coming Monday.

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6 thoughts on “[Fiction] Friday: A Lovers’ Tryst

  1. Welcome back to Friday Fiction. Its been lonely without the ‘old regulars!”

    Your story perfectly engaged the senses, transporting the reader seamlessly to the park and perched upon Mr Jones shoulder.

    Your entry serves as a reminder to everyone that a short sharp punchy scene can have just as much emotional impact that a much longer and verbose one can.

    On my quest to try different genres each week, mine this week is influenced by Cyberpunk. http://annieevett.blogspot.com/2009/08/cold-cobblestones.html

  2. The unfolding description of the opening leads the reader into the scene. I like the fact he struggles to pull the ring from his finger – very symbolic.

    The last paragraph jarred me a little as you seem to switch viewpoint from the narrator to his wife and back again. Better to stick with his p.o.v. perhaps?

    As well as wanting to know what happens next, I want to know about who he was waiting for.

  3. Pingback: August Review of Goals « Writing in Black and White

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