If we could divine
the beginning of the hairline fracture
from the xray of your life,
mend it before it grew
and you split,
would we have kept you whole?
Saved us all from breaking too.
Hearts ache at the in
that is not the out door
where vestibule meets an
old counter, recently buffed.
Beyond, shelves house curios
that whisper stories through
Slow dance in dappled dreams
that touch frets and spines
caress celluoid reels and fabric
as a turntable plays an never ending
At the out door that is not an in
hearts ache to return.
The Year of the Horse was always going to be a wild year. I knew that from the outset but I was of the mind that with the reins in my hands, with firm goals, I would have some control over the wild energy.
The less than salubrious energy began with the arrival of my Lady Godiva necklace. She’d broken from the locket. In fact, when I looked closer she was only glued on. Barely held together and not crafted to make the journey. I should have taken it as an omen and done something radical to transmute the energy. By the time October rolled around and I finally replaced it with a jade horse, so much had already broken me. And the jade medallion lasted less than three weeks before it sawed through the leather strap (enough said!)
We all know how wonderful hindsight is. How we could have, should have, would have done it better if only we’d know.
BEYOND THE BREAKS
I don’t want to focus on the bad though. I have tried hard to keep the challenges of the year off the public radar to give me the space to deal with them in my own time and space, with the help of those I chose to confide in (my Furious Lovelies, Helen and Stacey, I would never ever have survived without you). When I sat down this afternoon to do a tarot spread to try and pick through what gifts 2015 managed to bestow, it was clear, there had been gifts some of which I could speak of here and others that I could not, so I will refrain from speaking of any of them.
What I can share is (what I thought was a small) list of things the Year of Audaciousness brought my way. Each in their own way asked me to be a little (or a lot) brave and bold. To take risks.
INTO THE FOLD
Sometimes its a long (very long) time between brushes with serendipity. So long that you forget the magic and wonder when it arrives. November hustled Nic Holland front and centre into my writing life and while he refuses to accept he took me under his wing, adopting me as his writing partner (which was honestly a bloody joke for the first two months – given I spent most writing sessions knitting instead of writing!) he pestered me consistently enough for me to park myself at my desk and write every day through January. Without Nic ‘Encursion’ would still be a 16K pipe dream on my hard drive’. And then in December, Linda Brucesmith quietly took a seat beside me, a seat I am sure has been waiting for her for some time. Our first coffee date lasted three and a half hours and it could have been twice as long.
There were long dinners and shorter coffees with Rob who has come to assume the position of extended family rather than friend. There were email threads with Stacey and Helen, sleep overs, game nights, life lines, dates by the river and all the things that best friends are and better than because these two wonderful women take me as I am and there is something liberating in being accepted for yourself. There were unexpected coffee dates with Clwedd; Melbourne adventures with Sean and Brisbane adventures with Jason; beers with Ben and the gang; beers and babysitting with Tom; brain storming sessions with Emily, along with a liberal dash of interior wall paint and Rowena returned from London to keep me company in the dark hours. There was Whispers with Nicky and the other part of the gang, NatCon planning meetings with Damon and Aimée, Angela was always at the end of FaceBook when needed, Alex and Paul always turned up at just the right time, Rus continued to inspire me from the other side of the world and Adam remained at my side despite the fact Piper’s Reach ended up on the back burner for both of us. And there were my Owlish-Elven sistas Kim and Cat who kept me entertained and sane through the festive season; Kevin, who kept pushing me to see my positive place in the world and Lois initiated me into the arcane pleasure of building worlds, when we weren’t building stories or growing ideas or doing any of the other half a dozen things we do when we get together.
THE VIEW FROM HERE
It’s also easy to feel like you’ve done nothing all year when your actual achievements deviate from what you set out to do. It’s why it might be self indulgent to write a list like the one. But essential in the bigger scheme of things.
It is easy to focus on only the terrible things and I could compile as impressive a list, but I don’t want to. My cards today reminded me that I’ve had significant shifts in belief and head space in the last 13 months. While the nagging fear I will disappear, swallowed by suburbia, never quite goes away, I no longer feel trapped here. I can take the changes in circumstances that have come with homeschooling and make them mine. I can reap advantages and rewards. I can shift boundaries so I don’t feel imprisoned. I can make my life my own. The past is gone and the future is impatiently waiting.
Rather than see myself as escaping a bad situation I can see myself emerging from it, not necessarily stronger, but tougher. As the final lines of the final tarot card said today:
… its time to move on. You’ll need help. Ask for it. Be brave. Be decisive. Feel the winds of change and gaze into a fresh future.